back the fuck off the fruit pies

in honor of my triumphant return to the work force:

back the fuck off the fruit pies


hey, my name could be anna sue smith...

Just FYI, as of tomorrow, Planet Joon will be updating at night instead of in the mornings. I had to get a paying job because none of you bastards are paying me to be awesome.

my name is anna sue stanna


nice tat, dude

Happy Whore-o-ween from Planet Joon!

nice piece, dude


Will Copyright Kill the Video Star?

I'm a big fan of YouTube. Who isn't? It's friggin' genius. Its a "why didn't I think of that?" invention, sort of like PayPal or bottled water. And just like the wonderful decadence that was the original Napster, YouTube is being damned by the man, and the man is totally preparing to take it's ass down and I don't know about you but I'm PISSED. I'm not, however, just pissed because I won't be able to watch any music video or SNL clip I could ever have wanted. I'm not just pissed that I won't be able to see the intro to Fraggle Rock or a My Pet Monster commercial on a whim.

I'm pissed because after over 2 decades of integrating computers into our lives, and the constant changing and upgrading of technology in general, people still haven't figured out the fact that nature is taking itself back from commercialism. I lost you there, didn't I? Stay with me here.

How many times have you found a band, a really great band, and within 5 years of hearing their first song they have released 3 albums, gone from playing clubs to selling out stadiums, and their t-shirts are on everyone from thirteen year old girls to forty year old men with ponytails. Suddenly their music is just a mishmash of all the bands they liked in high school, and the drummer won't stay out of rehab long enough to do a new video. Commercialism sucks. Do you ever wonder what the world was like before the radio? When music really WAS about people who loved it. When your audience was huge because so many people talked about your music, not because your label payed to have your name dropped in the new Verizon ringtone commercial. The words "pop princess" wouldn't apply to someone whose singing is her weakest talent. Do you ever wonder what movies might be if there weren't accompanying Slurpee cups and Happy Meals and backpacks? Would we have been spared from the likes of White Chicks and Rush Hour 2 if the advertising demons hadn't been coughing up spin from the fiery pits of hell?

Technology is changing every day, and the entertainment industry across the board believes it is far too important and wealthy to be forced to come to terms with the fact that its business is changing too. DVDs can be uploaded to computers, and immediately burned onto blank discs. Borrow your buddy's copy and you won't spend more than the 4 cents that single blank DVD cost. They tried to stop this by encrypting the DVDs, to which people replied, "Yah, that's gonna work." and immediately created decryptors. Disney recently changed the encoding on theirs and within 3 months, there were programs to get around it. This isn't counterfeiting money, or stealing a car. This is something that never has to leave the light of our homes, and as such, you can do very little to stop it. Bit Torrents share entire albums for free, in case you can't borrow one of those from your friend and upload that. The entertainment industry is furious, because it is being FORCED back to its roots. It is being FORCED to earn its money through quality, by giving people something they want badly enough to hear or see. You can't fake seeing a band live. At long last a natural course is coming about where the jesters are not going to be wealthier than the kings.

You don't see the government throwing a fit because computers have made paper practically obsolete. You didn't see them getting involved because typewriter companies were going out of business. Do you think they intervened when electricity came about and nobody was buying candles anymore? Did chamber pot makers throw a fit? What about the poor personal check makers? Should the plight of John Henry have caused an uprising?!

Suing YouTube is like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Kick and scream all you like, but this is the direction things are going, and you can't do anything to stop it. Metallica, and especially that whining little bitch Lars Ulrich, have lost the respect their fans once had for them when they sued people for downloading their album without paying for it. They forget the days when they were playing grimy clubs and WISHING that someone would leave their show and tell their buddies, and pass around their tape. They're too important and wealthy to need that anymore. They're too important and wealthy for us, forgetting that they're important and wealthy BECAUSE of us. Watching a Natalie Portman sketch on YouTube made me go back to watching SNL. Watching a My Chemical Romance video (that the band placed themselves) made me download the CD, and the next CD, and next month I'll be going to their show and probably buying a t-shirt and I talk about their music to other people who might do the same. YouTube has brought back nostalgia and word of mouth to a world where everything is smashed into our faces in commercial breaks. Where nostalgia is packaged and sold to us in flashing leaderboards at the top of webpages and we can buy it on t-shirts with overnight shipping.

So they can take down YouTube. Hell, they probably will, but the technology that has begun will not be stopped. Once again you can bite the hand that feeds, but you're fucking with the wrong people. Our mother's milk was Guns 'n' Roses, and Public Enemy. The hormones that shot us through puberty were laced with Nirvana and Nine Inch Nails. And the foundation we now build our families on is the understanding that we have been sold to our entire lives, and we are fucking over it. We weren't raised on hearty servings of Debbie Boone and the Age of Aquarius. Our generation is bringing down the rich bitch mentality you have that makes you think we're too stupid to see it. We're bringing America's entertainment industry to its knees, and if you want to throw the YouTube tantrum, then go right ahead. Just don't expect any support when you come knocking on my door. I won't even be home. I'll be in Pirate Bay.


How I Know April is Evil

What in god's name is wrong with this month? Why is it that so much horrific crap happens in April?! We are all well aware that the Virginia Tech murders occurred on April 16th, and if you stop and think about it, April has always been a shitty month for America, hell- for the world. Let us stop as this hellish 1/12th of the year winds to a close, and reflect back on the wretchedness that it has inflicted on us.

1. The "Columbine Massacre" on April 20th, 1999. Oh sad, sad, assholes. Taking the beloved stoner holiday of 420 and turning it into a tragedy. To be honest, 1999 was the worst year of my life, so I remember very little of Columbine's worst day ever but who can really forget it? Eric and Dylan, two mentally deformed rejects, entered their school armed to the teeth and killed 12 students and a teacher before taking their own lives.

2. Adolf Hitler's birth in 1889. Need I say more? Gross. His racial policies killed more than 11 million people, and the ensuing war meant the deaths of over 45 million people in Europe alone. Those are some big numbers from just one tiny, pathetic douchebag.

3. The Oklahoma City Bombing on April 19, 1995. At 9:02 a.m. Timothy McVeigh detonated 5000 lbs of explosives in the back of a Ryder truck that took out 1/3 of the building. It killed 168 people, including 19 children as young as three months, 15 of which were at a daycare in the building directly above where the truck was parked.

4. The Rwandan Genocide in 1994 began on April 6th. By the time it ended in mid-July, an estimate claims between 800 thousand and one million people were killed.

5. Waco, Texas. The 51 day siege ended on April 19, 1993 with a fire that killed 79 people including 21 children.

6. The L.A. Riots, also known as the "Rodney King Riots" began on April 29, 1992 after motorist Rodney King was videotaped being beaten by L.A.P.D. after evading police during a traffic dispute. This day included the Reginald Denny beating, when a white truck driver was dragged from his vehicle and beaten severely by a group of black gang members. He recovered after being rescued by black neighbors who saw the beating live on television, and received brain surgery. When the riots ended 6 days later 53 people had been killed and millions of dollars in damage had been done.

7. Chernobyl. On April 26, 1986 an explosion of the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant in Ukraine resulted in a meltdown that caused massive radioactive contamination, and fallout that reached all the way to the eastern North American seaboard. 56 people died of direct causes, and some 9,000 people are expected to die from resulting cancers, 4000 of which were diagnosed with thyroid cancer by 1992.

8. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination on April 4, 1968. James Earl Ray was later found guilty of the death, and riots occurred in over 100 different U.S. cities.

9. The RMS Titanic sank April 15, 1912 after striking an iceberg late April 14th. The number of those who perished has varied from 1490 to 1517, and was due to a shortage of lifeboats on board what was considered an "unsinkable" ship.

10. The 1906 San Fransisco Earthquake happened on April 18. Estimated at a strength of between 7.7 and 8.3, the quake took the lives of about 3,000 people and left 300,000 people homeless out of a population of 400,000. The damage was then estimated at $400 million, which by today's standards would be about $6.5 billion, and a majority of it was blamed not on the earthquake but the subsequent fires which lasted for 4 days.

11. President Lincoln's assassination on April 14, 1865 at the hand of John Wilkes Booth at the Ford Theater. He died of his injuries on the following day.

12. The American Civil War began April 12, 1861. The fighting of the north and the south over the rights of blacks in America (though that belief is a matter of controversy) continued for 4 years until Lee surrendered to Grant in 1865. The war produced about 970,000 casualties, 650,000 of which were soldiers, and 2/3 of which were caused by disease.

13. The American Revolutionary War began on April 19, 1775 with the Battle of Lexington and Concord. Fighting lasted until 1783, with the Treaty of Paris, but the casualties are unknown.

14. Kurt Cobain committed suicide on April 5, 1994, though this is admittedly more an act of stupidity than a tragedy. Still, perhaps we never would have been plagued with Nickelback and Scott Stapp if Kurt were alive today.

So there you go. The proverbial laundry list of reasons to hate April. April is the 4th month of the year, of course, and its no surprise to me that Chinese numerologists say the number 4 is unlucky and related to death. There are four horsemen in the apocalypse as told by the book of Revelations, which represent war, famine, plague and death. On a keyboard the number 4 is also the key used to make the $ sign, and of course we all know money is the root of all evil. We also know what one means when saying "A four letter word". The fourth tarot card is the Emporer, whose magickally associated herb is-get this- the Columbine. (Coincidence?) There were four ghosts in Pac-Man: Inky, Winky, Blinky and Clyde.

All I'm saying is that you should be wearing a helmet and protective pads at all times. If you have any kind of underground bunker, I highly suggest that as well. Its only a week people! PRIORITIZE! Helmet hair or death!


You Never Suspect Vermont...

This morning, Senators in Vermont voted in a 12-9 majority to call for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice-President Cheney. (see AP article) This brings a lot of thought to the forefront here on Planet Joon. Things like:

-Its about damn time.
-Why don't I live in Vermont yet?
-Could Ben and Jerry's get ANY better?
-Are the senators in Vermont being left out of the North American Union plan that conspiracy theorists on Planet Joon firmly believe is simply one step toward the dreaded One World Government, also known as (cue Ministry song) the New World Order?
-No, seriously. Its about damn time.

I hear you saying "Damn, Joon. That small list is a friggin mouthful". Yah, it is. But have I ever let you down in the past? No. So hear me out.

It is about damn time. Why in the HELL didn't anyone in any part of the government organize something like this effectively when the Patriot Act was signed? I will admit that at the time I was like many Americans. I was scared for my kids and had reached a sort of ambivalence about how our justice system worked. It irritates the shit out of me that while some sixteen year sowing his oats will get arrested for smoking a bowl behind the gym, some homicidal drug lord somewhere is avoiding arrest because somebody filled out the search warrant incorrectly. When the Patriot Act was signed, I was in many ways thinking, "Whatever works, man. It won't affect me, I'm just some random citizen who doesn't really do anything to put herself on the radar." Little did I know that by being that random citizen, I was just another sheep in the flock, allowing myself to be blindly herded. "Even if something was going on, what could I do about it?"Good question. We'll come back to that.

There was a lot about the Patriot Act that changed our rights, something we've really been taking for granted as of late. Christian right-wing America has spun things around so much that we are actually beginning to BELIEVE that Howard Stern and Imus should be kicked off the air because they say asshole things and have foul mouths, and as Helen Lovejoy says "What about the children?!"I'm beginning to think that Christian America can take any document and blur it to fit their beliefs. "Yes, the part of the bible that says gay is wrong is absolutely still relevant (leviticus 18:22). That's what god meant. But all the rules about not eating shellfish (leviticus 11:10), or working on the Sabbath (Exodus 35:2), or having slaves (leviticus 25:44) is all just outdated and silly." and the same is happening with our rights. "The part of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights that say Freedom of Speech is still relevant, but that's not what the founders meant. They didn't mean things that other people don't like. They meant you can have free speech as long as everyone else is ok with it. Yes, separation of church and state. Definitely. Except our church. This country was founded on God, right? One nation, under God, right? What do you mean that wasn't added to the Pledge of Allegiance until the 50's? So? And the pursuit of happiness doesn't apply to gays, as they are against our religion, the only real religion, and if we let them slip by people will start marrying their dogs because dogs can say 'I do' and sign marriage licenses."

I'm going off track here. For those of you with your heads buried in the sand, let's do a review of what the Patriot Act means to YOU. And I mean YOU. Not your Muslim neighbor or the guy with the turban at the sandwich place, or that person who keeps downloading the Anarchist's Cookbook and How to Build a Pipe Bomb from Common Household Materials. YOU.

-Section 213: This section makes it so that, should a search warrant against you be deemed necessary (this applies to any criminal activity, not just terrorism related), you do not have to be told ahead of time, or at any point, that you are/were searched or wire-tapped. Like many parts of the Patriot Act, this doesn't expire. Basically Big Brother is laughing at your phone sex and rooted for your girlfriend in your last argument.

-Section 206- Means that if someone being tapped by police for a crime uses the same phone or computer as you (be it at work, the library, or once in your home), the government can tap that phone or computer, without your notice. No warrant is necessary, and there is no regulation to make sure they are not abusing this privilege because the jurisdictions are nationwide. If your pothead buddy is under investigation, and he used your cell because his battery died and he needed to tell wifey he would be home in an hour, the police now have reason enough to listen in on your conversations on that line indefinitely. You'll never know unless they use the information against you. So tell Aunt Millie to keep her and her glaucoma having ass at home and stop calling you! Prank call! Prank call!

And then there's the New Patriot Act, or Patriot Act II. What this means to you is even broader. To YOU.

-Section 501- This means that if you engage in section 802 of the first Patriot Act (meaning that you show yourself to be a terrorist by doing "any act that endangers human life and is a violation of Federal or State Law") you are designated an enemy combatant, and can be treated as such. You'll see what that means as you read on. Basically don't tell your marchers to take to the street. Cars could run you over. That endangers human life, and dude, you are so busted.

-Section 201- This means that once you ARE arrested, the government doesn't have to tell anyone who or where you are. Ever. Like X-Files shit, dude. Only the cigarette smoking man wears Ray-Bans and kills your mother for asking too many questions.

-Section 102- Any information gathering, whether the information be illegal or not, can be considered spying for foreign countries. This makes news gathering illegal. Under this law, my find this information for you is technically illegal, and your bookmarking or linking it would be a punishable crime as well. Hehe. Suckers. I walked you right into that one.

-Section 103 is a big one, that we got to see in full effect when Hurricane Katrina turned New Orleans into gumbo. It says that the President can declare martial law (no, I didn't spell that wrong) without approval or proof that a state of war exists. Martial law is when there is no civil law; the military acts as the police, legislation and courts. You may be thinking "Well, they can arrest us, but eventually things will settle down and I'll get a fair trial, right?" Psh, shaw. Right. Our constitution says that the government can't hold us against our will without valid reason (also called The Writ of Habeus Corpus), but it also says that Habeus Corpus isn't in effect in times of "rebellion" or "invasions of public safety". Let's nutshell that, shall we? The President can call Martial Law, for no reason, and the government can then arrest you, for no reason.

In New Orleans, rioting, arson and widespread crime allowed martial law to be called. All the looters were attacking the mansions, and the mansion owners were protecting their homes by brandishing their legally registered weapons. Martial law overrode their constitutional right to bear arms and protect their homes and their lives, their guns were confiscated and they were arrested despite the fact they had done nothing illegal. Their own government left them powerless. Thanks, Patriot Act!

-Section106 means that when a government agent or agency searches your home illegally or with no permission, you can't do anything about it because it grants them immunity.

-Section 109 means that if you or someone you know is suspected of a crime, you are required to incriminate them with any evidence known to you. This section basically takes away the 5th Amendment right NOT to incriminate oneself, as well as the laws that protect spousal confidence. If you don't, you can be charged with contempt, and jailed. Again, this is illegal, which means you can be classified a terrorist, and be arrested, and the government never has to tell anyone who you are or where you went. Is this starting to sound fun yet?

-Section 410 means there is no statute of limitations for any terrorist crime, which, as you may remember, is any breaking of state or federal law. If they see a picture of you smoking pot 10 years ago, dude, you are so busted.

-Section 411 means terrorists acts are punishable by death. Please see above.

Are you beginning to understand now why President Bush signed the second Patriot Act into being in secret on a Saturday? It just screams 1984, doesn't it? "War is peace, freedom is slavery, ignorance is strength". Now where was I, before the PSA? Oh that's right. It's about damn time. Its about damn time that someone with some level of credibility stood up and said, "That's a bunch of bullshit right there. And I'm pretty sure they knew that at the time." I think of it differently. I think of it like "You knew damn well you were exploiting the fear of millions of people that it are supposed to be your sole goal in life to protect so that you could turn our democracy (which its not, by the way, its a republic) into a some kind Capatilist, Socialist, Communist, Christianist mutant. Fuckers." It took us a damn long time to figure it out, but now that we have, amen that at least one state in this country has the cajones to do something about it.

Why DON'T I live in Vermont? In addition to being the first state with enough brains to try to shut down the fascist regime that is the Bush Administration, it was the first in the U.S. to have, and keep, a civil union law for homosexual couples. And it's home to Ben and Jerry's, and if you don't love Ben and Jerry's than you simply aren't a real American. Real American's love ice cream. They love ice cream so much they become morbidly obese and start driving Hover-Rounds in the Wal-Mart while their overweight teenage daughter are impregnated by illegal Hispanic immigrants. Okay, maybe that's a little too far. Or maybe that's just my neck of the woods. I don't know. All I know is I love me some Ben and Jerry's and I seriously need to move East.

Could Ben and Jerry's get any better? Possibly, though few things can top Dublin Mudslide or Everything But The..., but that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about here is that Ben Cohen, that's right, the Ben of Ben and Jerry's, is a huge activist and in fact founded the group True Majority, of which I am an active member. Ben Cohen was the man behind the infamous "Oreo Cookie video", and if you haven't seen it yet, check it out, it only takes a couple minutes to REALLY enlighten you about how your tax dollars will be spent this year. He uses Oreos to equate $10 Billion in government spending, and then stacks the Oreos up to show how the money is spent. As you might imagine it takes 42 Oreos to cover how much the government gives to the Pentagon (and that money doesn't even cover the cost of the Homeland Defense OR the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan). Lets put that relative to something, so you can see just how big 40 Oreo cookies are. The next biggest expense is K-12 education. How many cookies? For the whole country? All schools? You're probably thinking 20 cookies? 10? Try 3 1/2. The next biggest military spender we know that could oppose America is Russia, and they are an ally, and only spend 7 cookies. The axis of evil? The terrorists we're so worried about? All of them COMBINED spend less than 1 cookie. Mmm... billions of dollars...

Of course, you could also watch America: Freedom to Fascism by Aaron Russo and learn why you shouldn't be paying any taxes at all, but that's a whole different tangent. And that one'll REALLY piss you off. Best hour and a half I've ever spent.

Are Senators in Vermont not aware that the Patriot Act is HUGELY instrumental in imposing the North American Union that is meant to be the downfall of our sovereignty? Okay, first of all, your asking "What is the North American Union?" Well, its tricky to a not-so-political so and so like me. Basically the North American Union's goal is to make it so our borders are "safely open" for coming and going. A huge trucking route will be made straight through the middle of the U.S. and Mexican truckers will be allowed to come and go as they please. Basically, their goal is to dissolve our borders. What could possibly result from this? Well, I'll give you the lowdown on how millions of U.S. citizens are beginning to see it, including all of us on Planet Joon. The inevitable human tsunami of immigrants will clog our every state and federal system from schools to welfare to hospitals. The middle class will essentially evaporate, and which side of that are YOU going to end up on? It will be chaos, and President Bush will be required to call Martial Law, which is basically a Police State. It might take more than a rush of immigrants. Perhaps another civil tragedy, like, say.... 9/11? I'm sorry, did I just sound like I was trying to say our government perpetrated 9/11 in order to be able to create the Patriot Act in our furor of fear? And/or that they might very well do it again to their very own citizens in order to create a World Government ruled by commerce which they themselves would benefit from since they are from some of the wealthiest families in the country? Well, now that its out there, who am I to edit it out?

Now we here at Planet Joon (and by we, I mean me, Joon) don't like to just mope and groan. We don't just "woe is me" on about the world like some frantic, hopeless emo. No, here, we take action! And I don't just mean by educating the inhabitants of Planet Joon, nor do I simply mean stirring a bit of spice into an already bubbling cauldron of pissed-off-edness. I mean that I think if you care, and aren't some chicken shit, you can do something productive to pull us out of this nosedive that doesn't involve being pepper sprayed or breaking the front window out of a Starbucks (no matter how much fun either of those things may be).

First off, "Ask not what your country can do for Ben Cohen; ask what Ben Cohen can do for your country." and then listen. In other words, join True Majority (the link is above). It is SO EASY. Seriously, they send you like a link every couple of weeks, and it will take you to a letter they've already made out to your Senator or Governor or whoever, all you do is put your name on it, and they send it off. Congrats. It took less than a minute to contact your Congressman about whatever may be the hot topic of the moment. They keep track of when shit is happening, so you send all the right stuff at the right time. For instance, our Congress is about to (or has just) started talking about the federal budget. True Majority sent me an email, and when I clicked on it, it took me to a game where I took Oreos like in the video and decided how I thought the budget should look. They then converted that into numbers, I signed my names and they sent the percentages off to my state's Congressperson. Sweet!

Next, join the protest against the North American Union. This is being formed mostly by the teamsters union, because Mexican truckers being allowed on our roads will mean less work for OUR truckers, and will destroy the unions that they have built. On April 23, 24, and 25th, they (and many other people) will be protesting by driving very very slowly down major highways from morning to 5 p.m. For more info, go here. I'll be driving.

Most of all, just put down the bong, or the porno, or the game controller, or whatever's keeping your lazy ass from doing something about it and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. This isn't a theory about what's coming a century from now. This is happening right in front of your face! I'm not saying its your job as an American. I'm not saying its an obligation to your children or to your grandchildren. I'm saying that if you don't, your life is going to change, and you ain't gonna like it.

As for the Vermont senate? Seriously. Its about damn time.


And Now for Something Completely Different

Here are a list of porn movies titles I thought of that I think are funny. I haven't lifted any of these, but Mr. Joon said he had heard some of them before. I stand by their originality in my brain.

Forrest Hump
I Dream of Weanie
Lord of the Cock Rings
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone
Harry Potter and the Crotch of Fire (starring Lindsay Lohan)
Star Whores
Sex Toy Story
Edward Dildohands
Fantastic Foursome
Some American Tail
Fucking Nemo
The Dyke Crystal
Butt-Pirates of the Caribbean: the Anus of the Black Girl
Wonka's Willy in Her Chocolate Factory
James and the Giant Penis
Fuck Club
Intercourse with the Vampire
Lawrence of the Labia
Apocolypse Plow
American History XXX
Donnie Dildo
Backdoor to the Future
Backdoor to the Future 2
Backdoor to the Future 3
Snatch (okay, that one is real)
Rosemary's Booby
2001: a Sperm Oddissey
ET: the Extra Testicle
Invasion of the Barbie Snatches
A Streetwalker named Desire
A Cockworked Orifice
Raging Balls
An Officer and a Genital
Forever Hung
Groundhog Dick
Beverly Hills Cunt
Beverly Hills Cunt 2
Good Will Humping
My Big Fat Greek Penis
The Shawshank Erection
AI: Artificial Intercourse
Turner and Hoochie
I Hump Huckabees
Gang Bangs of New York
Black Cock Down
Monster's Balls
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dildo
Not Another Porn Movie
The Sex Files
Little Whorehouse on the Prairie


Things You Might Hear God Say

I really never imagined how many positions you people would find to do that in.

You know how you always look at your poop when you're done? Yah, I see that.

I had to do something to cancel out all the breeding the damn Mormons are doing. I had no choice but to make gay men. At least I made them interesting and fun to look at.

The lesbians? They were secondary. You wouldn't believe how many prayer requests I was getting for that one!

The funniest trick I ever played was carpeting. I mean really, its like clothes on the floor that you can't wash! But look how many people bought it! Idiots.

...and then he was all, "Ooh, God, you got served!" So I smote him. "You got served"? Come on. That's so 2001.

It was all a big misunderstanding, you know. I said, "For back pain, try willow bark" but you get that from one archangel to another, and suddenly its "I'm sending rain, build an ark". I didn't realize what he was doing until he started loading up the damn elephants, and I couldn't just tell the guy to forget it! So... I sent a torrential flood that killed everyone. I'll admit it was a big uh oh, and a lot of guys got written up.

No, seriously. He's dead. I killed Keith Richards like, I dunno, 20 years ago. But damn, have you seen the guy play? I saw them at Madison Square. That show rocked!

Men's nipples are simply meant to distract from the penis. Have you seen those things? Not my best work, but they get the job done.

AIDS, cancer, blah blah. Damn you people ask for a lot of favors. Listen, I'll cure your diseases when you stop living until your a hundred, okay? When you stop using respirators and defibulators, I'll totally cure AIDS and cancer. Deal? Cause you little buggers spread faster then damn rabbits and I gotta do something.

Conjoined twins are kind of my, I don't, Picasso influence I guess. I made them, and then I made Picasso, and when I'm in the mood, I make them again.

If I had wanted you guys to have nine babies at time, I would have made you larger than a cow and given you a lot more t*ts.

You never get a break up here. You take one damn vacation into a parallel universe, or Tokyo, and when you get back the place is trashed. Whose this George Bush guy? Is a man that I gave a coke addiction and an IQ of 78 honestly going to rule the world?

Its kind of like a video game for me. You know, I just sit back and watch you guys do shit and once in a while I say, "do this" or "stop that", and then I just watch you some more. You're just devouring everything and breeding and all I can think is, "Where do you think you're gonna go when you're done trashing this place?" Well, when I said that to the dinosaurs they just laughed...so I killed them all. Whose laughing now, bitches?

I don't care. Tattoo it up. Pierce whatever. There aren't any metal detectors in heaven. But there are young children, so if Peter finds anything offensive, he'll just boot your ass. Seriously. One time this guy came up with a tattoo of Mona Lisa with boobs, and Peter literally kicked him in the ass. He's brutal.

Why did I let man make guns? You come up here, after I make the freaking miracle of life that comes from the simple meeting of two organisms and creates a body and a mind so intricate and unique that even man, after thousands of years, doesn't understand it, and you want to know about guns? I was in a meeting, okay? This place doesn't run itself.

Because 3 arms looked stupid.

Of course I watch the Simpsons. I made Matt Groening simply so there would be a Simpsons to watch! My favorite is Ned Flanders, cause he's always dropping my name, like on national TV.

If I could do something differently, I think I would make less gravity. You guys really seem to enjoy jumping and flying and falling and all that.

1030 years. I know, its not very long now, but I'm bored. All you guys ever do is fight.

I never said that. I wasn't just misquoted, dude totally made that up.

Marilyn Manson. You know, I get asked about that guy a lot, and I gotta say that while I don't like the music all that much, you gotta admire a guy who walks around in his underwear with fake boobs. You know that's just some guy, he's gonna take off the boobs and go take a piss and sit on the couch and maybe eat some mac and cheese. His mom calls him Brian, for My sake. But to everyone else he's like some homosexual, superpowered, evil alien. Gotta give him credit.

We're kinda stallin on Ozzy. He's been here like 3 times and we just keep sending him back because he swears like a sailor.


Its Not Polite to Discuss Religion with Company

A note on religion, which in a really roundabout way talks about a small epiphany I had.

I don’t know if I believe in god. Now, I believe in a higher power, etc, I just don’t think he/she/it is what people, especially Christians, think he/she/it is. I don’t believe at all that the bible is real. Even if God was up there pulling the strings, which I highly doubt, men would have written the bible and that makes it fallible so I toss it religiously right out the window. Doesn’t that make sense? Look at all the things that are wrong, compared to what science has proven. Look at all the contradictions: the biggest one being, in my eyes, that God is supposed to be loving and all forgiving but even though he/she/it is completely intangible you had better believe in them and follow all the rules or its straight to the firey pits of hell for all eternity. Doesn’t that seem a little, I don’t know…harsh? Definitely far from infallible; light years from perfect, if you ask me. But really, I might as well be a pagan, so why ask me?

Let me say however, that I get it. I was raised Christian by my grandmother. I know what its like to believe and to follow the bible and go to church, and under no circumstances am I trying to talk down to any religion. I understand how you can believe what you do, and I’m all for it. I could be wrong as hell, and infallible or not God will teach me my lesson, but I’m coming to my biggest point, and this is it: I think religion, whether based on a reality or not, is a good foundation. Its what people do with it that messes things up. A person is intelligent and reasonable, generally speaking. People are vicious, rioting, terrified masses that need to be streamlined or there would be no civilization to speak of. Religion is the perfect cog for that wheel because it tells people that there are rules you need to follow to remain a decent human being, and what better way to enforce those rules but the idea of punishment for eternity. Chastizing even after death. The golden rule alone doesn’t work, and you can witness this every Christmas season at WalMart, so we need religion to keep us morally in line.

The roundabout way this effected me? You’re going to laugh about this, because it will show you how the tiniest thing can get my mind on overdrive; thinking lofty thoughts about religion and morality. I was driving my car, a 2002 Kia Spectra with a dent in the right rear door from me hitting a parked car, that is so long and deep, it keeps the door from being able to open. It’s a fine car, its just like a model with a big scar on her face. Its all I can look at now. So I’m driving behind this lady in a brand new Sadona, and I’m thinking, “Why can’t I have a nice car like that?” whine whine blah blah. After I turn off the road, and am driving the street alone, I’m going maybe 40mph. I realize that if I were to be walking, I would not be going 40 mph. That if I were waiting for the bus, I would be sitting in the cold waiting for its arrival and then sitting in its bumpy draftiness to almost my destination. Instead, I’m driving smoothly down the road, warm, listening to the radio, and I realize how coveting is bad. I should be happy with what I have. This religious rule isn't protecting those around me, its protecting what's inside me. The satisfaction of my soul with what I have, instead of unrest with what I don’t.