Things You Might Hear God Say

I really never imagined how many positions you people would find to do that in.

You know how you always look at your poop when you're done? Yah, I see that.

I had to do something to cancel out all the breeding the damn Mormons are doing. I had no choice but to make gay men. At least I made them interesting and fun to look at.

The lesbians? They were secondary. You wouldn't believe how many prayer requests I was getting for that one!

The funniest trick I ever played was carpeting. I mean really, its like clothes on the floor that you can't wash! But look how many people bought it! Idiots.

...and then he was all, "Ooh, God, you got served!" So I smote him. "You got served"? Come on. That's so 2001.

It was all a big misunderstanding, you know. I said, "For back pain, try willow bark" but you get that from one archangel to another, and suddenly its "I'm sending rain, build an ark". I didn't realize what he was doing until he started loading up the damn elephants, and I couldn't just tell the guy to forget it! So... I sent a torrential flood that killed everyone. I'll admit it was a big uh oh, and a lot of guys got written up.

No, seriously. He's dead. I killed Keith Richards like, I dunno, 20 years ago. But damn, have you seen the guy play? I saw them at Madison Square. That show rocked!

Men's nipples are simply meant to distract from the penis. Have you seen those things? Not my best work, but they get the job done.

AIDS, cancer, blah blah. Damn you people ask for a lot of favors. Listen, I'll cure your diseases when you stop living until your a hundred, okay? When you stop using respirators and defibulators, I'll totally cure AIDS and cancer. Deal? Cause you little buggers spread faster then damn rabbits and I gotta do something.

Conjoined twins are kind of my, I don't, Picasso influence I guess. I made them, and then I made Picasso, and when I'm in the mood, I make them again.

If I had wanted you guys to have nine babies at time, I would have made you larger than a cow and given you a lot more t*ts.

You never get a break up here. You take one damn vacation into a parallel universe, or Tokyo, and when you get back the place is trashed. Whose this George Bush guy? Is a man that I gave a coke addiction and an IQ of 78 honestly going to rule the world?

Its kind of like a video game for me. You know, I just sit back and watch you guys do shit and once in a while I say, "do this" or "stop that", and then I just watch you some more. You're just devouring everything and breeding and all I can think is, "Where do you think you're gonna go when you're done trashing this place?" Well, when I said that to the dinosaurs they just laughed...so I killed them all. Whose laughing now, bitches?

I don't care. Tattoo it up. Pierce whatever. There aren't any metal detectors in heaven. But there are young children, so if Peter finds anything offensive, he'll just boot your ass. Seriously. One time this guy came up with a tattoo of Mona Lisa with boobs, and Peter literally kicked him in the ass. He's brutal.

Why did I let man make guns? You come up here, after I make the freaking miracle of life that comes from the simple meeting of two organisms and creates a body and a mind so intricate and unique that even man, after thousands of years, doesn't understand it, and you want to know about guns? I was in a meeting, okay? This place doesn't run itself.

Because 3 arms looked stupid.

Of course I watch the Simpsons. I made Matt Groening simply so there would be a Simpsons to watch! My favorite is Ned Flanders, cause he's always dropping my name, like on national TV.

If I could do something differently, I think I would make less gravity. You guys really seem to enjoy jumping and flying and falling and all that.

1030 years. I know, its not very long now, but I'm bored. All you guys ever do is fight.

I never said that. I wasn't just misquoted, dude totally made that up.

Marilyn Manson. You know, I get asked about that guy a lot, and I gotta say that while I don't like the music all that much, you gotta admire a guy who walks around in his underwear with fake boobs. You know that's just some guy, he's gonna take off the boobs and go take a piss and sit on the couch and maybe eat some mac and cheese. His mom calls him Brian, for My sake. But to everyone else he's like some homosexual, superpowered, evil alien. Gotta give him credit.

We're kinda stallin on Ozzy. He's been here like 3 times and we just keep sending him back because he swears like a sailor.

Its Not Polite to Discuss Religion with Company

A note on religion, which in a really roundabout way talks about a small epiphany I had.

I don’t know if I believe in god. Now, I believe in a higher power, etc, I just don’t think he/she/it is what people, especially Christians, think he/she/it is. I don’t believe at all that the bible is real. Even if God was up there pulling the strings, which I highly doubt, men would have written the bible and that makes it fallible so I toss it religiously right out the window. Doesn’t that make sense? Look at all the things that are wrong, compared to what science has proven. Look at all the contradictions: the biggest one being, in my eyes, that God is supposed to be loving and all forgiving but even though he/she/it is completely intangible you had better believe in them and follow all the rules or its straight to the firey pits of hell for all eternity. Doesn’t that seem a little, I don’t know…harsh? Definitely far from infallible; light years from perfect, if you ask me. But really, I might as well be a pagan, so why ask me?

Let me say however, that I get it. I was raised Christian by my grandmother. I know what its like to believe and to follow the bible and go to church, and under no circumstances am I trying to talk down to any religion. I understand how you can believe what you do, and I’m all for it. I could be wrong as hell, and infallible or not God will teach me my lesson, but I’m coming to my biggest point, and this is it: I think religion, whether based on a reality or not, is a good foundation. Its what people do with it that messes things up. A person is intelligent and reasonable, generally speaking. People are vicious, rioting, terrified masses that need to be streamlined or there would be no civilization to speak of. Religion is the perfect cog for that wheel because it tells people that there are rules you need to follow to remain a decent human being, and what better way to enforce those rules but the idea of punishment for eternity. Chastizing even after death. The golden rule alone doesn’t work, and you can witness this every Christmas season at WalMart, so we need religion to keep us morally in line.

The roundabout way this effected me? You’re going to laugh about this, because it will show you how the tiniest thing can get my mind on overdrive; thinking lofty thoughts about religion and morality. I was driving my car, a 2002 Kia Spectra with a dent in the right rear door from me hitting a parked car, that is so long and deep, it keeps the door from being able to open. It’s a fine car, its just like a model with a big scar on her face. Its all I can look at now. So I’m driving behind this lady in a brand new Sadona, and I’m thinking, “Why can’t I have a nice car like that?” whine whine blah blah. After I turn off the road, and am driving the street alone, I’m going maybe 40mph. I realize that if I were to be walking, I would not be going 40 mph. That if I were waiting for the bus, I would be sitting in the cold waiting for its arrival and then sitting in its bumpy draftiness to almost my destination. Instead, I’m driving smoothly down the road, warm, listening to the radio, and I realize how coveting is bad. I should be happy with what I have. This religious rule isn't protecting those around me, its protecting what's inside me. The satisfaction of my soul with what I have, instead of unrest with what I don’t.