Planet Joon

mmm...farts...

2007-12-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

Us Bitches are Bitches, Dude.

2007-12-03T21:43:00.000-08:00

We do it to our damn selves, you know. I’m talking about women. I’m talking about men. I’m talking about Americans. I’m talking about the new Sprint commercial I just saw that suggests that multi-tasking by having your phone so that you can do work and talk on the phone while you eat breakfast during your commute. I’m overwhelmed by my life and the sheer immensity of things I have to do. Women in

slurpees rock your sweet ass

2007-11-28T18:49:00.000-08:00

de-fucking-lightful

2007-11-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

fuck you, comcast.

2007-11-25T20:29:00.000-08:00

hitler was a pussy

2007-11-25T00:18:00.000-08:00

it's a virus, really

2007-11-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

no, seriously. there's a loophole.

2007-11-21T20:46:00.000-08:00

why not? science made britney spears...

2007-11-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

back the fuck off the fruit pies

2007-11-19T06:21:00.000-08:00

in honor of my triumphant return to the work force:

hey, my name could be anna sue smith...

2007-11-18T10:17:00.000-08:00

Just FYI, as of tomorrow, Planet Joon will be updating at night instead of in the mornings. I had to get a paying job because none of you bastards are paying me to be awesome.

i killed bamboo once

2007-11-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

reality t.v.

2007-11-17T08:55:00.000-08:00

Oh lordy. I missed a day. Mellow out, I'm posting 2. Jeez.

sammies

2007-11-15T07:39:00.000-08:00

alaska is no excuse

2007-11-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

note to self: napalm Albertsons

2007-11-13T15:02:00.000-08:00

commutes are the devil's plaything

2007-11-12T09:10:00.000-08:00

i'm better than you!

2007-11-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

A Revolution in American-Fatty Clothing Technology

2007-11-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

dildos!

2007-11-09T07:51:00.000-08:00

how 'chu doin'?

2007-11-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

Mo-lett

2007-11-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

mmm, abortion!

2007-11-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

ew, coffee

2007-11-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

strip mall

2007-11-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

be a fatty or else.

2007-11-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

her name shall be fatty.

2007-11-02T09:52:00.001-07:00

free doughnuts solve everything!

2007-11-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

nice tat, dude

2007-10-31T11:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Whore-o-ween from Planet Joon!

i could be doing the robot in the olympics

2007-10-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

hippos are sneaky. like roly poly ninjas.

2007-10-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

mmm, garbage furnace...

2007-10-28T08:35:00.000-07:00

Uglee Baybee

2007-10-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

vegetables aren't food. vegetables are what food eats.

2007-10-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

but can he herd them?

2007-10-25T08:24:00.000-07:00

as long as you say it with a smile...

2007-10-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

i really shouldn't be allowed to have pets

2007-10-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

what it doesn't show is her 3 illegitimate children from an illegal hispanic immigrant. or that her ass is hanging out.

2007-10-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

jesus hearts santa

2007-10-20T23:07:00.000-07:00

Paid for by Tapirs Are Perverted

2007-10-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

It was then that Tom realized Def Leppard was no longer relevent

2007-10-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

Mmm, cucumbutt

2007-10-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

i heart the laundromat!

2007-10-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

Fishy fishy fishy fish

2007-10-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

happy whore-oween!

2007-10-14T14:22:00.000-07:00

hamsters!

2007-10-14T14:14:00.001-07:00

Introducing: Joon's Toons

2007-10-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Agnostics: They're What's For Dinner

2007-05-09T10:03:00.000-07:00

I am one of the bottom feeders of the religious world. I am the gutless, fence-riding monstrosity that is Agnosticism. In my mind I am not stupid enough to believe wholeheartedly in something I can not see or feel, nor arrogant enough to assume there is nothing I cannot explain. In the minds of Christians I am weak of faith and am in denial of the existence of my own soul. To atheists I am too

Will Copyright Kill the Video Star?

2007-04-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of YouTube. Who isn't? It's friggin' genius. Its a "why didn't I think of that?" invention, sort of like PayPal or bottled water. And just like the wonderful decadence that was the original Napster, YouTube is being damned by the man, and the man is totally preparing to take it's ass down and I don't know about you but I'm PISSED. I'm not, however, just pissed because I won't be

Planet Joon Celeb Review: Britney Version 7.9

2007-04-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

I was going to write today's blog about the Westboro Baptist Church, and what a bunch of flaming retards they are, but I decided that would make me Captain Obvious. It would be akin to shouting, "Look everyone, the sky is blue and America is going to shit", and would result in a resounding "No duh."Then I thought I might write it about my recent run-in with a Brick Wall. This is what I call those

How I Know April is Evil

2007-04-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

What in god's name is wrong with this month? Why is it that so much horrific crap happens in April?! We are all well aware that the Virginia Tech murders occurred on April 16th, and if you stop and think about it, April has always been a shitty month for America, hell- for the world. Let us stop as this hellish 1/12th of the year winds to a close, and reflect back on the wretchedness that it has

Got 99 Problems and a Bitch is One?

2007-04-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Ah, love. Surely the most complicated thing in the universe next to the human circulatory system and the I.R.S. Today I am here to unearth one of the mysteries that have plagued man since the beginnings of time. Most specifically, the enigma that is the psychotic girlfriend. I've been running headlong into my own psychosis lately (though I have long since duped some poor sucker into making me a

You Never Suspect Vermont...

2007-04-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

This morning, Senators in Vermont voted in a 12-9 majority to call for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice-President Cheney. (see AP article) This brings a lot of thought to the forefront here on Planet Joon. Things like:-Its about damn time.-Why don't I live in Vermont yet?-Could Ben and Jerry's get ANY better?-Are the senators in Vermont being left out of the North American Union plan

Emo Kids, or Generation Y and its Luxury Problems

2007-04-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

I get that the emo movement has been going on for a while now. I have been pushing it into the back of my conscious mind hoping it would go away before I had to actually recognize its existence. It started when my brother discovered it when he was sixteen, forcing me to ignore the absurdity that is bondage pants. Soon the gothic poetry and suicidal myspace pages were everywhere and now here I am.

An Open Letter to Sanjaya from American Idol

2007-04-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Sanjaya, Hi, listen, I don't watch American Idol. I watch the bloopers and make fun of the weirdos and crazies but I haven't watched since season two and I only know about this season for two reasons: 1)You can do six degrees to Joon with Blake Lewis and it might even take less than 6 and 2)because of you. Before you take that as a compliment, let me finish. I

Why the Rampage at Virginia Tech Shouldn't Matter

2007-04-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy of unfairlybalanced.comI don't know how many times I have to go over this with you people, but I'll try it ONE more time and hope that it sticks. NOBODY likes a crazy asshole. They just don't. You can be crazy, and you can be an asshole, but if you're gonna try to be both you're not going to get invited to any of the good keggers. Perhaps this is

And Now for Something Completely Different

2007-04-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Here are a list of porn movies titles I thought of that I think are funny. I haven't lifted any of these, but Mr. Joon said he had heard some of them before. I stand by their originality in my brain.Forrest HumpI Dream of WeanieLord of the Cock RingsHarry Potter and the Sorcerer's BoneHarry Potter and the Crotch of Fire (starring Lindsay Lohan)Star WhoresSex Toy

It's Your Lucky Day!

2007-04-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love email scams. Those letters from Nigeria or London involving some money or lottery winnings. I love them, really, I do. I love them so much I have made my own. Here it is:From: down&out@fuct.org To: You, your sister, and everyone else on your address list RE: I just need a moment of your time This will only take a moment of your time, but it can make a world of difference to the

Life Sucks

2007-04-08T12:52:00.000-07:00

Original art by Banksy Everything is so shitty and scary in the world, I don't even want to know anymore because I'm just powerless. Even if I found one cause, and fought it with every breath and day of my life, I could still only hope to move it forward an inch. Everyday we have to think so much, about so much. When I go to the grocery store, I have to think

"Hello, kettle? It's pot. Yah, you're black."

2007-04-07T12:19:00.000-07:00

Today, after a shopping for a bit in town, I took my daughter to McDonalds while my son was in school. This happens seldom, maybe...once a month? Not often. I share a small meal with her of chicken breast pieces, and she munches a few french fries and sips her apple juice. Its all a bit of a treat for both of us. So I'm at our booth, and out of nowhere this snaggle-toothed woman with mousey

Lingerie is Made for Only Two Body Types for a Reason

2007-04-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

The last time I lost weight, I celebrated with Mr. Joon by buying some sexy lingerie. As many women know, there are two types of lingerie: for obese people, and for skinny people. If you are like me, in the middle, you are screwed. Let me elaborate:Lingerie for skinny people is super hot, and tiny. They don't make this lingerie above a size 10, and

Things You Might Hear God Say

2007-04-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

I really never imagined how many positions you people would find to do that in.You know how you always look at your poop when you're done? Yah, I see that.I had to do something to cancel out all the breeding the damn Mormons are doing. I had no choice but to make gay men. At least I made them interesting and fun to look at.The lesbians? They were secondary. You wouldn't believe how many prayer

Two Minutes Hate: This Bitch I Know

2007-04-02T11:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Katie,You are the most miserable, horrible person I have ever known, and I'm sure I'm not the only person to think this. Here are a list of things that everyone knows about you, that you think we don't:1)You are a worse mother than you tell us your mother was to you.2)You don't really want to get your daughter back. You like not having to have a job, or take care of someone every day. You

Joon Movie Review: Broken Flowers

2007-03-30T13:02:00.000-07:00

You all saw Lost in Translation, right? This movie is like that, only there's no Scarlett Johanson (she is instead replaced with multiple botoxed old women. Believe me, they needed a few more face lifts to take the place of her) and you know those long “artistic” scenes where you just stare at the characters as they just look out the window, or drive in a car, and nothing happens and no one says

Its Not Polite to Discuss Religion with Company

2007-03-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

A note on religion, which in a really roundabout way talks about a small epiphany I had. I don’t know if I believe in god. Now, I believe in a higher power, etc, I just don’t think he/she/it is what people, especially Christians, think he/she/it is. I don’t believe at all that the bible is real. Even if God was up there pulling the strings, which I highly doubt, men would have written the bible

Joon Movie Review: Waking Ned Devine

2007-03-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

This week's movie review is for an oldie, but a goody, Waking Ned Devine. I had never seen this before but a long time ago a very trustworthy source told me it was one of the best movies he had ever seen, so I had to give it a try. I really liked this movie. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING cuter than naked little old men. Just chillin and ridin their mopeds and takin a dip. You know,

Two Minutes Hate: Sleazy Foreign Internet Guy

2007-03-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

The first email sent was via another site I frequent, called Path.com. This fella sent it to one of my friends and I found it pretty appalling and I was feeling a bit frisky, so I responded. I call it "Conversations with Joon: Dear xxxxxxxx,Where are you.I waiting for your response.I like to kiss your laps very much.Why dont youcontact me?Do not you love me?If love me than contact me

Joon Pre-Movie Review: Bridge to Terabithia

2007-03-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

That's right, I haven't seen it. And I won't. But I will bitch about it. Like to hear it, here it goes:I saw a commercial for the next Disney live action movie. Its based on probably my second favorite children's book of all time: Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson. God, this book is good. God this author is good, actually. (I highly suggest you read her books as an adult as well. Also

Why I Believe the American Welfare System will be the Downfall of Evolution

2007-03-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

In this blog I intend to explain why I believe welfare is destroying the human race and reversing evolution as we speak. The welfare system in America is not just a crutch anymore. You see, a crutch is a wonderful thing. A crutch is something, a solid thing, that a person uses when they’ve taken a fall and can’t walk on their own anymore. While the months pass, the person slowly heals,

Sucky the Sequel

2007-03-08T12:34:00.000-08:00

My son is watching a Disney sequel, something I swore I'd never let him do but I am. I swore I wouldn't because I damn Disney to hell for the way they misrepresent history and take classic stories and turn them into marketing machines. Have you ever read the original Peter Pan by JM Barrie? Its amazing. In it children are shown as selfish and murderous. The fairies, like Tinkerbell, are horrible

How Do You Explain Some of This Crap?

2007-03-05T13:51:00.000-08:00

Can I just take a short moment here to talk about how much it sucks that Dana Reeves died of lung cancer? Can I? Because I'm a little pissed about it, and I'm going to add it to the list that I'm taking with me when I die, so that if there is a God, I can totally give him an earful. Lets begin at the beginning. Chris Reeves. Superman. Super nice guy. Family man just diggin on life. How dare he

Assmates.com

2007-03-02T10:33:00.000-08:00

I recently joined the backward facing ranks of Classmates.com. I stepped in line with the masses of people who are both at once thinking "God, I hated that asshole. I should check and see if he's divorced and living in a dumpster" and "That name sounds soooo familiar. Didn't I do whip-its with him behind the tennis courts?". We wander the lists with vacant expressions that turn instantly to

The Joon Commandments

2007-02-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

Joon doth reserve the right to add to the Joon Commandments whenever she wants. Joon makes no guarantees about her ability to talk all fancy and stuff.Thou shalt not procreate if thou dost not have an IQ above 100 or you are/will thusly be supported by thy state.Thine cell phone shalt never ring out a sitcom theme song. Never shalt thou make me hear your favorite song when I call you, or get thy

Joon Movie Review: Corpse Bride

2007-02-23T13:56:00.000-08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Tim Burton:"Today I’m introducing my newest stop motion animation masterpiece, Corpse Bride. You may be wondering, Tim, how could it possibly be as good as its predecessor The Nightmare Before Christmas? To which I answer It couldn’t, and its not. Thank you for coming, and have a good night!"Did that sum it up for you? Because it should. Let me start by saying that I expect

An Open Letter to Britney Spears

2007-02-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Britney, Hi. How are you? I'm fine. I'm gonna cut to the chase here because I have people to slay and laundry to fold. Yes, you are allowed to shave your head. Absolutely. You are also allowed to put a tattoo on your face, run around screaming that aliens are coming to get you and buy your clothes at KMart. That doesn't mean you should. I don't know if you're going for the Sinead O'Connor

Short Story: A Man Walks into a Bar

2007-02-16T18:41:00.000-08:00

There's a line of men on their barstools, pouring their souls into glasses that are already half full of foamy pools of amber. Their elbows touch and they raise their cups and they swallow their troubles in three solid gulps. I'm watching from the corner, and I'm touching their hearts with my eyes and each one of them is weak from disuse and desolation. There's a line of men on their barstools,

Serious. And Gross. Seriously Gross.

2007-02-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of an activist. I don't think that vegetables are food, I think vegetables are what food eats. I don't protest against the government, as much as I hate it, and I roll my eyes when the people jump from the sidelines onto the runway chanting that "Fur is Murder". But I digress that ignorance, my friends, is bliss.In my net wanderings, I was taken to a video in which Martha Stewart

If Stupidity Were Painful, Would You Need Morphine?

2007-02-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

Here is my list of Things That You Do That Should Tell You You're Stupid:1. Wear anything advertising Nascar, unless it is a joke, or for Halloween.2. Follow the Dave Matthews Band3. Yell at your television while watching football. 4. Put a giant wing on the back of your tiny car5. Have tires bigger than the hood of your truck6. Have a truck so high off the ground one has to "climb" into it7. You

Album Review: My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade

2007-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

If you know anything about My Chemical Romance, it is probably that they are considered to be at the forefront of the Emo music movement. From a woman who HATES the emo music movement, I highly encourage you not to underestimate this band.Their first album, I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love was released in 2002, and was immediately boxed as goth/emo for the song "Vampires Will

F You Boston!

2007-02-01T16:27:00.000-08:00

First, the lowdown in case you've been under a rock: The city of Boston shut itself down yesterday in the wake of several lighted devices that officials believed were bombs. They turned out to be ads for the amazingly hilarious Cartoon Network show Aqua Teen Hunger Force (ATHF). If you have never watched ATHF, you have not really lived, and I suggest highly that you go to Cartoon Network's